I’ve apologised for existing quite a lot, I’ve apologised to boyfriends for having me as a girlfriend, I’ve apologised to my parents for having me as a daughter, I’ve apologised to service providers for taking up their time by availing of the service they offer. I’m not apologising for the space I take up anymore.
Some people look down on you when you’ve attempted to remove yourself permanently from space. They don’t understand why and it’s not unusual to be wary of what you don’t understand, suspicious even. Then you minimise it so it’s less threatening: “they’re just looking for attention”; “they just need toughening up”; “they’re just selfish and self-involved”; ” they’re sick”; “they need a good talking to”. I suspect there is a comfort in feeling like you hold the higher ground. It’s delusional though as they don’t see the threads they themselves hang by or the pegs anchoring their own tent to the ground.
I have a new peg to try out on my billowing tent – I’m going to attempt to not give a fuck, down with giving a shit what other people think. I’m going to stop trying not to curse as well, (it’s freeing and I like the expression of it). I hearby cut the threads my self-loathing hangs by and with it I throw appeasing people out the tent door.
It’s going to be interesting . . .
I may have to recalibrate myself from the inside out or maybe it’s more of a “fake it till you make it” type of thing but I need to stop losing myself in the set-ups and structures of others and claim a way for myself.
Wish me courage and a bit of swag.